Time

Haha, so I won't lie. I haven't been putting much effort in changing my sleeping pattern back to Singapore time.

My watch still reads Irish time. So the first night in Singapore, I slept at 6am because my watch says its 11pm and I woke up at 4.30pm. It's instinctive for me to just grab my phone to check for the time the first thing I wake up, even if it's just a random wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night. So I checked the time and it said 9.30am. Ah, it's the normal time I wake up in Ireland anyway. For a slight moment there, I actually really believed it was 9.30am only to the realise the sun was starting to look mild. (Singapore sun sets much earlier than Irish Summer Sun)

Oh right, I didn't change the time.

And I didn't bother changing it even then. It's just much easier counting forward from Irish time to Singapore time than backwards. I can deal with addition, I hate subtractions. Fine, I was just trying to add points to my argument.

Press play

My current short play list I listen to the first thing I wake up, and the last thing before going to sleep.

1. Everybody's here - Electrico
2. Dance wiv me - Dizzy Rascal ft Calvin Harris
3. The day I died - Just Jack
4. Fett's Vette - MC Chris
5. Life is beautiful - Vega 4
6. Show me what I'm looking for - Carolina Liar
7. In the midnight - Langhorne Slim

They're the songs he played over and over back in Ireland. So much so that I became accustomed to having to listen to them to feel like he's still next to me.

They're nice songs though. Go have a listen to them on youtube or something if you guys haven't heard of the songs before. You'd have a laugh at Fett's Vette. ;D

<3

When you run into my arms
we steal a perfect moment



Will you come back to me?
I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated
we barely make it
We don't need to understand
There are miracles, miracles

Stand where you are
We let all these moments pass us by
It's amazing where I'm standing

There's alot that we can give
This is ours just for the moment
There's alot that we can give.

If

If there's one thing I could do, I'd like to collect hugs and store them in a jar, so I can release them and use them in moments like this.

Sigh. Such a pretty thought.

Till next time

Do you know how difficult it was for me to walk through those gates, without turning back?

It's a vast improvement this time though. Even though I did cry when we said our goodbyes, I didn't stomp my feet (lol, seriously, that was how much control I used to have over myself), I didn't ask if I could lose my passport, and I didn't consider deliberately missing my flight. Most importantly, I only cried that few seconds in his arms and didn't cry ever since then.

"Maybe we're getting used to it bit by bit."

No, I don't think that's it. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. I've just learnt from past experiences that the more I look back, and the more I prolong the period before finally walking away and leaving, the less control I'd have over my emotions and the more effort it'd take for me to let go and break away from his embrace. The weaker I would have felt, and I didn't want our trips to always end on such a terribly sombre way.

He waited for me, watching me walking in line to the security check area, and I turned occasionally, only to realise the more I turned to look at him, the more I wanted to cry again. So with one final wave goodbye, I walked through the gates without looking back. And in that moment, it felt like the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

Ahhhhhhhh....!!!

That was probably what I was thinking for most of the trip back to Singapore. It's one of the most eventful trips I ever had on planes in general.

So I got to the airport just on time to hug R and his parents goodbye. Then I realised my gate is farrrrr away and I had to rush all the way down to the new gates. What a waste of effort because the plane wasn't even there yet. Then the screen changed from "gate opening" to "delayed". I knew I had one and half hours to spare for my connecting flight in Amsterdam so I took it easy. People around me started being cranky, complaining at the desk - Nobody provided any explanations.

Finally, the plane came and we got whisked off to Amsterdam. The moment the plane doors opened, people started running out. So I decided I should just rush along with them. Haha. Then I realised, while rushing, that Amsterdam is one hour ahead of Ireland so technically, I didn't have much time at all to catch my flight back to Singapore. So I started running with my heavy backpack. I felt like dying at one point when I realised my gate is at the other end of the airport. I caught a glimpse of the gate details on the boards - Mine read "Gate closing". I rushed like a mad bitch, yes I did. I caught the plane.

Only to have the plane taxi off to the take off zone and stop moving completely. The captain then announced that the Control Tower has denied all requests for take off for all flights due to the storm raging outside. So that's what all the noisy pitter patter sounds were. By this time, you couldn't see anything out the windows. The rain lightened up an hour later. (Yes, we waited an hour in the plane doing nothing. I felt so restless) And the captain announced for the cabin crew to prepare for take off.

Yay, on the way back finally. Everything's fine again. Then there was a turbulence. Not the usual sort that I've experienced but this one felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride. So I guessed that was the point of time the plane probably had to make a steeper-than-usual dive or something. It made certain people screamed a bit. I freaked out. That was the time I remembered really praying for R to appear right next to me. Thankfully, it was just a short while that we were shaken around in our seat. And the journey continued on.

Stewardess served me hot tea. Only to knock it over with her coat by accident. My blanket (which was provided by the airline), along with a bit of my top and cardigan was soaked with hot tea. Stewardess apologised and offered to dry my cardigan in the cabin crew. They all seemed very nice so I wasn't in the least bit mad, actually. I just thought my luck must have nosedived the moment I left Ireland.

But I had good company on the plane - an elderly Australian couple, sitting next to me. They gave me lots of moisturing wipes during the flight. Nice people, or maybe my skin looked terribly cracked and they wanted to be polite about it. So yes.

That's my terribly boring explanation of the exciting things that happened to me on my trip back.

[]

The most excruciating part of separation is the process of it. Still being with your partner, knowing the next moment he'll be gone for a long time. Somehow the hours and minutes seem to stretch and go by sloooowly, and in those intense long hours you're letting irrational thoughts run through your head prolonging the pain, trying to let go, fighting yourself, and then suddenly time seems to go fastforward and poof you're finally saying 'Goodbye'.

Being separated itself doesn't seem to be half as painful as being in the arms of your loved one, knowing this won't last.

Churp

My tagboard is removed because the spamware attached to it can be annoying to people who don't have firewall and stuff like that. Not a lot of people, including myself, have been utilising the tagboard anyway so it's not such a big loss. Maybe I might change my mind and put it back up. But in the meantime, if there is a meantime, there's still the haloscan comments. :)

Tick tock tick tock

I'll finally be returning back to Singapore after the eye-opening 3 months stint I've had here. It's going to be pretty hectic and stressful having to go through the whole readapting process. I've reminded myself of certain changes I'd have to revert to when I get back but I know there'll be lots more unprecedented changes I have to go through.

I probably have to take a week to get settled into a new routine. And I'll be set to move forward, whichever route I should take next. :)

I feel different this time. It's difficult to explain. A bit more positive, stronger. I won't deny probably missing R while I'm away again but I probably won't want to dwell on it too much. I've been through it so many times before, I'm just going to have to go through it one more time. Even if I do start feeling the pinch, I'll only just need to deal with it and give myself some space. I'll miss him but I won't be hating life, if you get what I mean. Once I get used to the new routine of things, it shouldn't be so tough. I may just be too optimistic here but let's hope it brings me somewhere. :)

And frankly, I'm quite tired of people either overtly pitying my situation or belittling it. I guess I dislike hearing people commenting too much about my situation unless I asked for it. It's the plain idea that nobody else would understand anything else unless they're involved. And most times, there's really nothing 'wrong' at all yet certain people will keep insisting I have something bothering me and insist I open up to them about it. Haha. How about "you. you're the one bothering me right now."

I guess the bottom line is that I chose to be with this guy. I know what I'm in for. And I've been in this relationship for over three years now. I ought to know how to handle myself well enough. There's really no room for pity, no room for anything, except happiness and a bright future.

I'll be home in 4 days. Bye Europe, Hello Tropical Southeast Asia. And most importantly, hello Singapore, the city that never sleeps and never stops eating ;)

*Credits to Tawel on Flickr for original photo

Inglourious Basterds

I managed to catch the Irish advanced screening yesterday. It's a fictitious war film about the fall of the Nazis in the hands of the Basterds. I can safely say it's one movie that will stick by me for years to come. Firstly, the variety of cultures and languages in just one movie might be overbearing in any other movie but I felt it worked well in this one. The cast itself was filled with actors and actresses from various countries aside from "Hollywood." They were a mash of American, British, French, German, Irish, and certainly more. It was refreshing to see such a varied cast working so well together and interesting to watch the intermittent change of languages.

It's an unusual blend of gore, violence and humor that actually worked. The jokes were easily understood among the audience - hearing almost unanimous laughter at varied points throughout the film. To a certain extent, it probably took the impact of the gore away; focusing on the comedy of a Basterd religiously scalping the dead Nazi soldiers instead of the graphics. The film definitely tested one's ability to feel varied emotions at once. At one point, it felt pretty peculiar, feeling a slight sense of panic for broken cover of the Basterds at the scene of the Gala Premiere, while laughing at the mad Hans Landa, and the comical Basterds in failed disguise as Italians.

There were several notable parts in the film, which I'm sure everyone would notice throughout the film. The several twists in the plot keep the audiences glued to their seats, eager to know more right till the end. And the ending certainly proved to be everything worth waiting for.

Anti-Christ

I watched the movie Anti-Christ last week. It's written and directed by Lars von Trier (He's led quite an unorthodox life. Interesting enough for people like me to read about.)

So the film was very controversial. R's been watching the trailers and reading up on it. Yes, we expected the sex, the gore but I don't think either of us had an idea that it was going to be -that- mind-boggling. I realise it's difficult to even describe the film when you have no idea what the message in the film is trying to portray. Apparently, even Lars himself along with the entire filming crew admitted they had no idea what it's about. Though it might be fuelled by Lars' battle with depression in the past recent years.

The plot revolves around the place in the woods they lovingly named Eden. It all started when this one couple who lost their only child one night - the son falling out the window in the snow, while they were engrossed in their passionate lovemaking. The cinematography was pretty unique and beautiful. So much so, it sort of distorts the fact that it's a very dark sinister movie. Somewhat mashing the idea of "beautiful Eden" you know about in the Bible with the sinister place in the woods. The movie was like a painting that moves. Beautiful but very disturbing. The movie itself was broken down into several chapters, building up to the final chapter of The Three Beggars represented by the the deer that was earlier seen limping off with its dead baby dangling out of its body, a crow that just refuses to die, a fox that was earlier found eating it's innards. "When the three beggars arrive, someone must die."

A film of this kind that is so ambiguous about grief, sex, gynocide, sadism is always very open for interpretation.

Bottom line is - you either hate it or love it.

Singapore

Happy 44th birthday, Singapore!

I watched the webcast live and was cooing over the city skyscrapers and city lights "ahhh, so beautiful..." And saying the pledge in front of an Irishman watching the news (which happened to coincidentally be talking about the Singapore economy). Taking patriotism one step ahead. Hahaha.

Singing national day songs along with the several hundred people singing in Singapore. It's that day every year that reminds us how far we've come, and where you've come from. The further you are from home, the more you miss it. Well, for most. I especially missed seeing Singapore flags raised with pride in every neighbourhood, out every main window of your apartment. Seeing that it's optional and was never compulsory, it only shows the conviction the people have for the nation. Despite the daily complains we have of the way of life, we still love the country we live in. Complains may be good - it acts as a driving force pushing us forward, dream big, achieve bigger. I guess complaining means we care about the future of our generations to come. It doesn't mean we hate the country even though we use the word 'hate' ever so loosely. We're just accepting to the fact that even though we love the country we live in, the truth remains we're not perfect and we always have bigger things that will come our way and we have to keep fighting for our survival.

You dream of venturing out to the rest of the world, but your habits stick by you. No matter how far away, you're always wondering if there's a Singaporean you might bump into, and if there's anything close enough to the things you can get in Singapore. Catching a Singaporean accent overseas and getting to say hi, is one of the biggest thrills you can get. Or finding a Singapore branded item in the Asian store. Why don't we ever appreciate these things as much when we're back home? I guess the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" serves as truth in this aspect as well.

You can take the Singaporean out of Singapore, but not Singapore out of the Singaporean. Bo pian lor. Just have to accept it the way it is.

Bittersweet

3 more weeks before I head back home. I've been having recurring dreams and nightmares about it. I don't know if it's helping me prepare for what's to come or just exemplifying my fears and making it worse.

The biggest fear I have for now is going back to a life I feel I've grown out of. The daily dramas in the family or amongst friends I've successfully been oblivious to for the past 3 months. Will I go back to the person I was? Will people return to treating me the same way when I lose my space to be who I really am? Will it be a good change, a bad change or worse of all, no change?

Am I ready to move on to greater heights for myself? Am I ready to be more financially independent? Am I ready to move away from being perpetually glued to my boyfriend to ultimately being alone again? Nobody instantly there to talk to, nobody to snuggle with when I'm in great pain or upset. The sacrifices we have to make to ensure our future is brighter than what it is now.

Painful but vital. My layers of defence immediately shattered apart completel - every time we have to go through the initial separation over and over and over again. And all that's left is a dismal vulnerable vacant person - void until I pick myself up again.

But I feel I'm getting stronger each time with the strengthened belief that this won't last and that it's only in due time that we get our turn to peel off the walls of separation. And it's only immense luck that I have the best of friends to look forward to better things with. Without them, I would never have been able to bounce back half as quickly as I always did. If my partner is my pillar of strength, my friends would be the vines that grow with me, our lives intertwined, sometimes not, but constantly within reach.

I can only look forward, and not back.

Ron's Visit & Germany

Okay I know I've left this trip hanging. It's just tough to sort of sum it up in one post how great it was. Well, of course, it wasn't perfect. But the imperfections somewhat made it more interesting and funny. Some things left to think about and laugh about once it's all over.

Firstly, Ron's visit to Ireland was beyond awesome. His company was more than I could ask for. For the first time, I have someone truly Singaporean to share my experiences with first hand. His reactions to things made me feel I'm a normal Singaporean - finding the summer too cold, finding the mountains really awesome, finding the bus rides eventful - the good and the bad that the locals would undoubtedly be immuned to.

On the way to the Johnnie Fox's Pub

And I had someone to back me up when Riyan didn't understand why I react certain ways to certain things. Like finding the need to find ointment for my swollen injured feet. Haha. It's such a Singaporean thing to do to rub your feet or legs with ointment when it hurts, as though it'd quell the pain. Just practices that are instilled and embedded in us by our parents from young.

I got sick the day Ron arrived. Dizzy spells, vomitting. And I injured my legs. So it wasn't really the best time to be travelling around but I wouldn't miss it for the world! So travel around we did. Photos are on facebook. I'll let the photos do the summarizing of the places we went and what we did.

The funny thing that came out of this was how Ron and Riyan were like the best friends during that short week we had together. I turned out to be the independent one, walking off on my own, and the two of them were almost inseparable. Ron clearly took a liking to Riyan's crazy antics and never-ending jokes. So, finally, I got someone to empathise with what I have been having to put up with. ;) Haha. Well, maybe it felt good having my boyfriend off my back for awhile. Hahaha.

It was really fun having Ron in the next room, having our balconies connected and just feeling like we were housemates. Really really cool.

So we finally packed up and left for Dusseldorf. Met up with Tony and headed back to Christopher and Manuel's apartment in Dortmund. They were a nice bunch of people definitely. We got mattresses to sleep on, in a private room. The mattresses were actually sooo comfortable, I had uninterrupted sleep all 3 nights I was there.

Reflection of the Old Town Hall in Dortmund.

We got to see the city of Dortmund, Cologne and Dusseldorf in the 3 days.

Hohe Domkirche St. Peter und Maria, Köln / Cologne

On our fourth day in Germany, Ron left very early in the morning to fly back to London, while Riyan and I took the train to Berlin all the way to the east. It's amazing seeing how the trains are all connected throughout Europe. We saw signs for trains heading to closer countries like Netherlands, Belgium and much further places. The train stations were a bit confusing at first but we got the hang of it in about a day. The metro and railways are all connected so it makes for really efficient commuting to almost anywhere in Germany. The main railway stations are very busy though so it's quite difficult for someone who doesn't understand German, or for someone who is clueless about his/her surroundings because announcements are made quite often about the train changing from track 8 to 27, for example. This is because the stations are so busy that it's not uncommon to see one train approaching the track only to have the next train expected to arrive 3 minutes later.

Supreme Parish and Collegiate Church, Berlin.

Berlin was amazing. It was 'Wow!' the moment I exited the train. I once told Riyan that I love things that are different. Which is why I love seeing the different architecture in Europe because you'll never get that in Singapore. I love the countryside in Malaysia because I'd never get that back home. Which is also why I know I'll enjoy the Indonesian architecture, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Japan, Russia... Just because they're different. But Berlin, was not exactly the typical European city I've envisioned. The main city centre was very modernised. So for a very modernised city to really capture my attention, it has to be far more impressive than Singapore already is to me. And it was. The best part is how well the old and the new seem is fusioned together without looking out of place.

It's kind of torn between two eras. There's the East and West Berlin. East Berlin had some Soviet influenced architecture still left. And the stories that entail from the thin divide known as the Berlin wall, is undoubtedly moving. It reminds us of the same situation that exists today between North and South Korea. Families separated by a wall.

Kaiser William Memorial Church, Berlin.

You even see the occasional war-torn areas, the church completely destroyed leaving only the entrance standing, and buildings broken apart. It's just so rich in heritage, it's tough not to be blown away when you're actually standing at the place where all these history lessons happened.

Tempelhof Airport

We managed to visit the exterior of the now defunct Tempelhof Airport, a pre-World War II airport. It's definitely very grand, built during the Nazi era. It's a pity it's closed down recently. I would have loved to see the grand interiors as well. How I learnt to tell which is the East and West Berlin, would be by the traffic lights. East Berlin still uses the Ampelmann, which is the greenman and the redman except with hats on. They reminded me so much of Smurfs, it's hard for me not to smile to myself each time I cross the roads. There's this one interesting area I remember where I was crossing one road in West Berlin (normal greenman), and right after, it was East Berlin (Ampelmann).

Ampelmann

There were also a mad amount of cyclists. There're even special lanes next to the main roads in Germany specially marked as a bicycle lanes, because there were that many cyclists. So that's their trick in staying healthy despite all those sausages they eat and beers they drink. It all makes sense now. Haha.

The people were so friendly and helpful as well. And so trusting. You don't get those machines where you tap your Ezlinks, or farecards before you enter the train stations or metros. There's just an electronic ticket dispenser where you can buy your tickets (if you want to) and then on to the metro you go. The bus drivers don't stare at you waiting for you to pay for your ticket, they just let you on, with that big trust that you already bought your ticket prior. So you can just jump on and off the trains and buses without paying. OF COURSE, that only serves to say if you do get caught without a ticket, you're severely punished for it. So, it's best not to take the risk.

Re-enactment of the border crossing in Berlin.

Got my real passport stamped.

Talking about people, I seem to have kept many locals guessing about my racial background. The guards at the Bundestag tried to "impress" me by speaking Italian, only to get confused looks in return. The student reenacting the border crossing thought I was Spanish and probably wanted to relay the roleplay script in Spanish they prepared. And the funniest one was at the big tent carnival "pub" where two Bavarian-dressed waiters insisted I was Colombian, causing Ron to burst out laughing and Riyan breaking out in a Shakira song. Am I that generic?

The waiters were gay as well. They seemed to be really open to gays in Germany. I felt warm and fuzzy inside, seeing them not hiding their emotions and just being openly happy. It's nice to see people not feeling restricted about love.

Alexander Platz

All that aside, another thing I noticed was that the youths were very well behaved. Rowdiness were kept to a minimum, with only the very rare group of punks in the city centre. Travelling on trains, buses and metros don't really have the annoying group of messers trying to create a scene which I found to be fairly common elsewhere. Even the drunks in Germany didn't seem half as annoying as anywhere else I've been including back home. They were extremely well-behaved, I must say. They drink to just let their inhibitions slip away and have fun, not to get pissed drunk and rowdy. There must be the occasional rowdy ones, but I haven't had the 'luck' to meet any at the pubs we've hung out at.

I'm just very impressed.

Not so impressed with the immigration checks in Dusseldorf though. It was probably just my luck. I had high expectations because my impression of Germany so far is "efficient". But during my hand luggage check, it was quite confusing and rather disorganized. I've never seen so many officers hogging just one bag check area before. Not only that, they seemed to be joking around a far bit, and giving varied instructions to the passengers. We got a bit flustered, not knowing who to listen to, which only frustrated the guards more. So that final part leaving Germany, wasn't so pleasant. They had another passport check just before leaving and I had to be interrogated further because I had a Singaporean passport. According to him, he had to check mine thoroughly because Singapore's the only one which needs no visa to enter Germany. So many Asians try to grab hold of a counterfeit Singapore passport. I was slightly annoyed, of course. But I really needed to catch my flight so I just did as I was told. Thankfully Riyan came to my rescue with his EU passport and I got through easier than I would have.

Of course, I was annoyed initially because firstly, Singapore definitely wasn't the only one who doesn't need a visa from Asia. Secondly, I have the new metric passport, which means it shouldn't take too long to check how valid the passport is. Thirdly, even more people would try to get a counterfeit EU passport. So why not check the validity of those passports more stringently as well?

I said I was annoyed 'initially' because I know they're just doing what they're trained to do. It's just our luck that there are people out there doing silly things during immigration, that created the need for such checks in the first place. Anyway, I didn't want to allow something like that spoil my whole beautiful trip. So I didn't. :)

The trip to Germany was an eye-opening great experience for me and it'll remain that way.