Decisions

I'm slowly realising how scary decisions can be. I'm petrified at making a decision, simply because I know how every big decision has the ability to make your life completely change its course.

And how could we tell which is the right path to take so early in life? Suddenly, I feel as though I've been making a series of mistakes in making choices in the past year. I was offered a job right after my graduation but I've already pre-booked my tickets to Ireland and Europe for 3 months, to spend time with my friends and my loved ones there. Afterall, I've been studying all my life, I thought I deserved that break and I really do miss them. The job though, wasn't willing to wait for me, which I totally understand. I went on for my break and came back jobless. Back then, I thought it was a good choice, but was it really?

Then I got offered a couple of interviews. One of which was a good organisation recommended to me by a friend. The bosses seemed to like me, even explicitly said they wanted to hire me, only to have things screwed up when they lost my portfolio (which they've found only recently), and the upper management suddenly decided not to hire anyone and even retrenched people in the company due to the lack of funds.

So I was left hanging again. Finally, I had another job offer from this very big organisation, which would definitely add a lot of weight in my resume. After going through a series of interviews with them, and tests, they claimed I was hired. Claimed. I've yet to see a single contract yet. When they told me I was hired, I was estatic of course. I even rejected two temporary positions at a well known production company and radio statio (because I figured, a permanent position is better, and the benefits of this permanent position outweighed all others.) only to be left hanging on a thin thread again, seeing they keep delaying my 'deployment' with no exact estimate of time I have to wait. You can say, it's just my luck, but the fact that I've rejected two temporary positions, and now seemingly left with nothing again, doesn't make me feel very good about myself. It's been making me feel terrible. It's almost getting tougher and tougher to be positive but I know drowning in self pity will not get me anywhere. At times like this, it's so tempting and so easy to give up. But I shall not be tempted, and I shall be easy. So I've started sending out cover letters and resume to companies again but I'm losing hope of coming across 'real professionalism' in huge corporations.

I don't have the luxury of depending on my parents or anyone while waiting for a job. Money is depleting or should I say, have depleted if not for some kind souls still giving me money on Hari Raya. You can only imagine how it will affect my self esteem if my luck doesn't pick up any sooner. I'm someone who hates the dependency of people in welfare states. So you could only imagine how I'd hate having to live off anyone. And it's quite amazing how the new year is silently creeping up on us and is only a month away. What a complete waste of time.

Money isn't everything but it will buy me a plane ticket to be with my partner again. Money has been the reason I've always come closest to ending the relationship in the last 3 years. Which is why sometimes I wonder - Have we succeeded in this long distance relationship so far? Or have we failed in giving it up? I could never have done any of this if it was with anyone else. He's been so patient and understanding, I've come to realise it'll be very selfish of me to even spare a thought of ending this beautiful relationship... I'm sidetracking again. :(

It'll be his turn to come down next year. I wish things will be different then and my 21st year will turn out to be something worth remembering.