Bloodshot eyes

The most tiring 24 hours I've allowed my eyes to go through. Lol. I think we all get older, but most times, none the wiser.

The Luckiest

I was listening to the song, getting lost in the lyrics and music. My face suddenly felt exceptionally cold. Brushed my fingers against my cheek, and realised I'd been crying.

Silently

Most times, I just want to wrap the most part of 2010 in a big package and burn them collectively and leave no traces of it behind. Then I'll never know we were capable of causing so much hurt.

The Aran Islands

I have been shredded to pieces, to have every piece inspected and changed completely, leaving almost no trace of the old me behind. 2010 has been a year of real changes for me. If the me from 2009 were placed in front of me now, she wouldn't be able to recognise this self.

Then I look at the picture above - the only source of decoration on this mundane blog - and during little unexpected moments like this one, snippets of the old me return in short but strong flashes of memories stored far away in the back of my mind.

I loved that place, very much. I remember being there and thinking to myself, I've never seen a place on Earth so beautiful. I remember imagining a windy marriage procession on that little cliff overlooking the bluest sea and more sea, and nothing beyond. Most importantly, I remember being happy and content, and thinking it'll never pass.

But it did. And I'm broken.

You could be happy.

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played on lips 'til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent, screaming blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

If 2009 was a good year of revelations, consistency, and joy, 2010 is a year of sorrow, volatility and bitter desperation.

Funny how much one can change in a year.

Lost

I feel thoroughly detached from the world. Feels like I'm leading a totally separate life from everyone around me. It's as if my entire viewpoint on life is too different and difficult to understand.

What I probably really need is some serious soul-searching. I imagine it will be a good, interesting, (perhaps even mildly dangerous) idea to travel the world on my own and start anew. Clear my thoughts and worries of the current world I live in and wonder if there are other things that are more worth my worry, and find out if these things I'm worrying about now, are worth worrying about at all. Of course, visas, money, come into play and I realise materialising this is near impossible to begin with.

So I'm stuck in a pendulum swing, between wants and needs all meshed up into one ball of fury burning me away. And I'm forced to believe I'm on the right path in life. That is the only option open right now.

-

I went to the place we used to go, hand in hand, laughing at everything around us, without a care in the world. I was proud of you and you were proud of me. We held our heads up high. We sang tunes created from nowhere.

You cupped my face and I, yours. You gaze at me with such tenderness, I kiss you dearly on the cheeks. I pray a silent prayer every time you leave, for you to one day return again.

Knowledge is Power

You've let your guard down and allowed me in. I know too much about you now that it will be extremely silly of you to even slightly consider offending me. I know my conscience will never let me do it but the fact remains I have the power to do that. For your own sake, I hope you remember.

Humans can be such complicated creatures. "Life is simple, we make it complicated". I know what you're doing and it makes me cringe in disgust. I love hearing to your lies when I know the truth.

In this silence, I know.