Silently

Most times, I just want to wrap the most part of 2010 in a big package and burn them collectively and leave no traces of it behind. Then I'll never know we were capable of causing so much hurt.

The Aran Islands

I have been shredded to pieces, to have every piece inspected and changed completely, leaving almost no trace of the old me behind. 2010 has been a year of real changes for me. If the me from 2009 were placed in front of me now, she wouldn't be able to recognise this self.

Then I look at the picture above - the only source of decoration on this mundane blog - and during little unexpected moments like this one, snippets of the old me return in short but strong flashes of memories stored far away in the back of my mind.

I loved that place, very much. I remember being there and thinking to myself, I've never seen a place on Earth so beautiful. I remember imagining a windy marriage procession on that little cliff overlooking the bluest sea and more sea, and nothing beyond. Most importantly, I remember being happy and content, and thinking it'll never pass.

But it did. And I'm broken.

You could be happy.

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played on lips 'til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent, screaming blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

If 2009 was a good year of revelations, consistency, and joy, 2010 is a year of sorrow, volatility and bitter desperation.

Funny how much one can change in a year.

Lost

I feel thoroughly detached from the world. Feels like I'm leading a totally separate life from everyone around me. It's as if my entire viewpoint on life is too different and difficult to understand.

What I probably really need is some serious soul-searching. I imagine it will be a good, interesting, (perhaps even mildly dangerous) idea to travel the world on my own and start anew. Clear my thoughts and worries of the current world I live in and wonder if there are other things that are more worth my worry, and find out if these things I'm worrying about now, are worth worrying about at all. Of course, visas, money, come into play and I realise materialising this is near impossible to begin with.

So I'm stuck in a pendulum swing, between wants and needs all meshed up into one ball of fury burning me away. And I'm forced to believe I'm on the right path in life. That is the only option open right now.

-

I went to the place we used to go, hand in hand, laughing at everything around us, without a care in the world. I was proud of you and you were proud of me. We held our heads up high. We sang tunes created from nowhere.

You cupped my face and I, yours. You gaze at me with such tenderness, I kiss you dearly on the cheeks. I pray a silent prayer every time you leave, for you to one day return again.

Knowledge is Power

You've let your guard down and allowed me in. I know too much about you now that it will be extremely silly of you to even slightly consider offending me. I know my conscience will never let me do it but the fact remains I have the power to do that. For your own sake, I hope you remember.

Humans can be such complicated creatures. "Life is simple, we make it complicated". I know what you're doing and it makes me cringe in disgust. I love hearing to your lies when I know the truth.

In this silence, I know.

Music

It really is an amazing thing.

Lately, I hear music from all things around me. The rain's pitter patter against my glass windows, the wind whistling through the cracks in homes. So pleasing to the ears.

I hear music in the silence of the night. Because there's never total silence, is there? The biggest silence I've heard was in Aliwee Cave. Even then, if I listened hard enough, I could hear my heart beating.

Of course, I don't see the point in this post except to remind myself of how music can come in the form of pseudo silence. Or maybe I really didn't have a point and it's just one of those thoughts that pops up in your mind and make you go "Okay -what- was that all about?"

Most likely the latter.

Responsibility

Things would be a lot simpler if one was able to make a choice solely for himself. Having responsibility for someone else complicates things. And that is the exact situation most of us have been living in.

Why are you still sticking by a marriage when you've realised the love is gone? Because of the kids and the people you don't wish to disappoint.

Why are you stuck in a field you dislike?
Because of the people who've put you through school and tide you over with loans. You don't wish to disappoint.

Why are you stuck in a job you hate, and know will never get better?
Because you haven't heard from anyone else, and you're unsure of your luck after, and you need the finances to keep your family afloat.

I think life is a bucket full of madness for the little slivers of joy. Someone famous and rich once said, 'Life is unfair, get used to it'. You either get used to it, or you'll be the death of yourself and everyone else around you with your incessant whinings and rants. I'm already starting Path B.